The Importance of Swagger

I just caught myself admiring a homeless woman, who I see nearly every day in the old city, as she nonchalantly prowled down the side walk. For a moment I wanted to be just like her. Was it what she was wearing? Hell no. She wasn’t wearing spring’s on-trend pink lip & she definitely didn’t smell like Chloe perfume. What was the factor I found so appealing?

You could just tell she did not give one fuck.

She had no one to impress, she was walking her path, she was almost animalistic in her intent to live for herself.

This is not to say I want to live for myself only, but I do want the confidence she possessed. Much too much I find myself hyper-aware of people around me, and although it sounds pretty narcissistic, I assume they’re looking right back at me. This causes me to constantly double check myself, what I say, what I look like, how they perceive me.  I strive to let go of that, to just exist.

It all goes hand in hand with a self image struggle I’ve faced since being back in the states. We’re fat here; I’ve regained most of the weight I lost just living in Germany. I didn’t weigh myself that whole year in Mannheim, and I was so proud to be so light when I came home. But since then I’ve gone up and down, AND THERE’S A PATTERN. It seems to happen that the way I feel is dictated by the number I see when I weigh myself. And if it’s bigger than I think it should be, I get discouraged, which often leads to being even unhealthier out of sadness and feeling hopeless. Miraculously though, when I go a while without stepping on the scale I feel a lovely strength and sense of pride just for moving about successfully through my day. I find myself wanting to perpetuate this feeling, so I eat whole foods and drink water and spend time romping around outdoors – THIS IS HOW IT SHOULD FEEL.

So I’m done weighing myself. I’m more interested in how I feel, how I eat, how I move. And as a gauge of size, how bout actual body measurements, photos, how my favorite clothes fit, etc.? I’m convinced this approach will give me the result I crave – pride and confidence.


In related news, I’ve got an outfit for Hannah’s wedding next week! And I am super pumped about it.

This is related because it’s going to take a good amount of swagger to not look like a adult sized infant in it.

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I will say though, it fits like a glove and I was so surprised & pleased. I ordered it from the LOVE website in a size L which is like a US 10 or a UK 14. It is a bit loose in the hips, which I think is intentional to achieve the trouser effect with the pockets, and a tad short in the torso, but that’s just me being long. It’s just extremely different from anything I’ve ever worn or seen anyone wear, around here anyway. BUT I SHALL WERK IT.

 

ok that’s enough for now byyyeee

-lCe

Future Thinking

Well so much for your regularly scheduled programming.

I feel like I’ve been sprinting/tumbling through the past week or so. Greatly due to spending the night in Knoxville for three nights straight, working a ton, and drinking even more.

But I’m a wee more chilled out this week. Saturday was host to a new experience which left me with a renewed state of mind and clear thoughts about the future.

As I believe I’ve already mentioned in a post, I’ve been thinking about graduate school recently, a lot. The German department tried to sway me toward them, and although I love them, a masters in German is just not what I dream of at night. So I also considered Marketing, which was what I interned in, or maybe PR. These seem lucrative and interesting, but you know what I’ve discovered Marketing means? Lies. Piles and piles of lies and fakeness to make a buck. I don’t think I could manage that.

So I’ve landed on Architecture. (And everyone I know collectively sighs and says, “of course, what else Lindsay?”) I makes so much sense and I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner. I mean I have thought many a time how awesome it would’ve been to begin there from freshman year, but alas, I didn’t and that’s a helluva program to jump into half way. It wasn’t until I spoke with a friend of mine who is an Arch grad student and learned he got his Bachelors degree in Psychology. You can *do* that? I had no idea. And thus the seed was planted.

After that revelation I met with the dean of Grad Arch, who had no idea who I was or what I wanted a meeting with him for until I was sitting in his office explaining my plight. After it was all out on the table, he seemed surprisingly impressed and interested in helping me out (they even paid the parking ticket I got whilst in said meeting…take that UT). The good thing is I can’t start until next summer because their deadline had already passed and I still have to take the GRE, so I have plenty of time to think it over and be certain about it. 

The first step is going tomorrow to drop in on the grad students’ final project presentations, including Jared’s…at 8:00…*groan*. But I’m looking forward to it. Other than that, the dean suggested I take a drawing class maybe in the fall to train my hand a bit. 

I’m really excited about this new path. I really think it’s a fit for me, and although it’ll be a shit ton of work, it will pay good dividends. Inspiring work wins out over cheap sales pitches any day.

 

-lCe

Treading water is the same as drowning.

Inspiration has been a struggle. In many ways.

 

I’m really good at beginning things and not always good at finishing them. I find it very easy to get inspired, but very difficult to sustain that inspiration.

After discussing this conundrum with Kris last night, it’s fresh on my mind and I spent a better part of the night last night thinking about it (when I should’ve been sleeping). 

When you are relying on inspiration, you can’t always wait for the perfect circumstance or timing. Sometimes you have to make it happen. 

Some of the most creative and most successful individuals in history have been rigidly disciplined and functioned as well-oiled machine, albeit nearly insane, scatter-brained machines. It’s been proven time and time again that having a schedule for yourself and sticking to it makes you more productive, but it also just makes you a less stressed mess, even if by just a smidge. You can rely on a schedule. It remains constant…if you stick to it. Among all the random occurrences in life, if you decide 4:00 is tea time, tea shall happen at 4:00.

It’s within parameters like this that I find my inspiration has room to breathe and finally pokes its head out. But it’s easier said than done. My most cherished part of the day is waking up because I know precisely what will happen next: shower, coffee, breakfast, today show. I mean, I’m a fan of spontaneity, but knowing I will have this hour or two to wake up and come to terms with my day is the most stabilizing feeling and prepares me for all the spontaneous events that will pop up from then on.

All that being said, I am still the same person with half her closet scattered around her room, a half empty sketch book, a guitar that hasn’t been played in weeks, and a half-finished painting with easel and brushes still out beside it. And those are just my hobbies.

Kris’s dilemma is somewhat different. As he is attempting to make more of a living off his music than I am from my art, it’s a much bigger deal that he reaches certain milestones. However, with a demanding work schedule that leaves him little free time (if only for right now) and three roommates and a girlfriend who constantly pull at him as well, he gets little to no time to himself and his creative endeavors. Being one of those pulling forces I’m a bit biased, but because I love him I’m also inclined to encourage the kid to go ahead a kick me out and use those couple hours alone to make something beautiful happen. 

Personally, my problem stems from a love of 10 hours of sleep that I don’t need every night. I would sleep all day if it were acceptable. Wake up, have breakfast and coffee, go back to bed, wake up for a a few hours in the evening, and sleep again. But alas, I’d never get anything accomplished and that’s the worst thing I can imagine. So for me, I know the solution is dragging myself up by 9:00 at the latest, earlier if at all possible, and starting my day even if I don’t have anywhere to be until 5:00 pm. I mean geez I woke up at 7:30 today completely expecting to be miserable all day and here I am blogging at 11:00, brunch already consumed.

I guess my point in all this is: Do the hard thing. It’s hard but it will facilitate much better results. The problem isn’t finding the inspiration, it’s allowing yourself to look for it at all.

Aside

Birthday Shenanigans

How have we made it to the weekend again already?

First off, I’d like to throw out a big thank you to the universe as this was the best birthday I’ve had in a very long time. Cheers to 24! Although the day itself was rather laid back, last weekend was amazing. And ridiculous to say the least.

Didn’t end up wearing that dress I ordered from H&M…their size guide told me to get a 12. Either I can’t measure accurately or they’re crazy because it was like a midi-length nightgown. I found this one at Forever 21 last minute:

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Here’s the detail on the body

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So I think it worked out.

Kris and I ended up spending Saturday eating Tomato Head noms and roaming around Nostalgia, a cute antique and vintage store in Bearden, before kicking off the birthday pub crawl at Suttree’s around 9:00. NOTE: I’ve never been one too have extravagant birthday events for myself, so I found myself sort of nervous that just no one would show up? Stupid, but the first half hour when we were there alone was tedious. But of course, they trickled in. Before I knew it we were fifteen deep and heading for the Old City. At this point I was in good position to finish the night late and strong.

Friends tend to buy you shots on your birthday like it’s their right and duty, regardless of whether or not it’s your third fireball shot in the past fifteen minutes. (To me that’s a ton because I never ever take shots). Then Brenna came & blessed me with my first Irish car bomb and “buttery nipple”? Whatever the hell that was. And after that I was very thankful Kristopher was taking care of me, the roles reversed for once. We had a street hotdog and went home. Bless his heart.

The actual day of my birth I went to an architecture open house on campus, but that’s another story. Also got a parking ticket. Happy Birthday, Lindsay. Love, UT.

 

I’ll save the Architecture stuff for another time. For now, Cheers.

-lCe

 

 

Aside

Drinks & Movies, Movies & Drinks

I have been working my lil butt off.

Which is a good thing for the wallet, but leaves little time for funsies. Sunday was a rare day off for both Kristopher and me though. It was treated as an anniversary celebration of sorts (we began dating roughly 5 years ago, around the March16, a day we randomly chose as far as I can remember). I won’t go into detail, as I’ve done many times before, but those five years have been interrupted on a few occasions – mainly the year I was in Germany. But that’s another story.

We had dinner at Cocoa Moon, which is this strange Mexican/Thai fusion place in Market Square. Had some Pommy Margees, as Kris put it.

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Had a romp around Urban Outfitters, and THEN saw Grand Budapest Hotel!!!! Which we LOVED. It may seriously be my new favorite film.

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It was so very Wes Anderson, but I was surprised at how gory it was…I mean there was a lot more violence than the usual. But all around, so charming. Loved the story within a story within a story, and loved the stories themselves. ALSO -THAT UNDER THE SKIN PREVIEW. HOLY CRAP. SCARLET JOHANSSON IN A VERY STANLEY KUBRICK-ESQUE FILM. ACK.Image

But enough gushing. Since then I’ve worked nonstop, which honestly I can’t complain about. I love hanging out and making coffee and it requires little to no focus. Just physically exhausting. But alas, tis Winesday Wednesday and tomorrow I am off. There shall be drinking…

Cheers, skål, prost

lCe

Preparations Commence

So after a very flustered start to the day (our water was turned off at the house because we’re having our bathroom remodeled), I finally settled in at work. Funny how making coffees can calm your nerves.

I made some birthday plans as the 31st is fast approaching. I’ve never done the whole “birthday pub crawl” thing. Not even on my 21st. I think the most I’ve done is a house party. But dangit I want one, so I made an event for next Saturday. :) Obviously the first order of business was finding something to wear. I ordered this from H&M literally just now whilst sitting in a nearly empty coffee shop.

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It’s quite short and loose and flowy and I think it’ll go nicely with my new attempted style direction. I’ll pair it with these western-esque ankle boots I got a bit ago from Forever 21 (They’re still available).

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I’m considering wearing a big black hat with it, but I don’t wanna be that girl that bad. I dunno, it kind does make the outfit.

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In other news, I’ve been mulling over the idea of grad school, particularly Architecture more and more. As I do best, I’ve stalked a trillion architecture blogs, both image/inspiration based and first person experience based, and I’m getting more into it. I’ve rsvp’d to the Architecture department’s spring orientation, which just happens to be on my birthday, the 31st. A sign? or just inconvenient…?

I’m excited.

-lCe