I just caught myself admiring a homeless woman, who I see nearly every day in the old city, as she nonchalantly prowled down the side walk. For a moment I wanted to be just like her. Was it what she was wearing? Hell no. She wasn’t wearing spring’s on-trend pink lip & she definitely didn’t smell like Chloe perfume. What was the factor I found so appealing?
You could just tell she did not give one fuck.
She had no one to impress, she was walking her path, she was almost animalistic in her intent to live for herself.
This is not to say I want to live for myself only, but I do want the confidence she possessed. Much too much I find myself hyper-aware of people around me, and although it sounds pretty narcissistic, I assume they’re looking right back at me. This causes me to constantly double check myself, what I say, what I look like, how they perceive me. I strive to let go of that, to just exist.
It all goes hand in hand with a self image struggle I’ve faced since being back in the states. We’re fat here; I’ve regained most of the weight I lost just living in Germany. I didn’t weigh myself that whole year in Mannheim, and I was so proud to be so light when I came home. But since then I’ve gone up and down, AND THERE’S A PATTERN. It seems to happen that the way I feel is dictated by the number I see when I weigh myself. And if it’s bigger than I think it should be, I get discouraged, which often leads to being even unhealthier out of sadness and feeling hopeless. Miraculously though, when I go a while without stepping on the scale I feel a lovely strength and sense of pride just for moving about successfully through my day. I find myself wanting to perpetuate this feeling, so I eat whole foods and drink water and spend time romping around outdoors – THIS IS HOW IT SHOULD FEEL.
So I’m done weighing myself. I’m more interested in how I feel, how I eat, how I move. And as a gauge of size, how bout actual body measurements, photos, how my favorite clothes fit, etc.? I’m convinced this approach will give me the result I crave – pride and confidence.
In related news, I’ve got an outfit for Hannah’s wedding next week! And I am super pumped about it.
This is related because it’s going to take a good amount of swagger to not look like a adult sized infant in it.
I will say though, it fits like a glove and I was so surprised & pleased. I ordered it from the LOVE website in a size L which is like a US 10 or a UK 14. It is a bit loose in the hips, which I think is intentional to achieve the trouser effect with the pockets, and a tad short in the torso, but that’s just me being long. It’s just extremely different from anything I’ve ever worn or seen anyone wear, around here anyway. BUT I SHALL WERK IT.
ok that’s enough for now byyyeee